Are You Afraid of Being Yourself?
By Angela Hutchinson
Co-Creator of Spirit-Works.net
Are you a closet spiritual seeker? Do you have a set of beliefs that are not well accepted by your community, family, or friends? Well, welcome aboard, it’s nice to have you with us. I was raised Pentecostal and at the age of 20 I decided to stop going to church and focus on other things. Over the years I have had trouble merging my intuitional beliefs and my childhood religion. I found myself giving up on all things spiritual for a time. I guess they call people like me, the walking wounded of fundamental Christianity. Though the community was wonderful as a child, I was left with the dogma, and it did not resonate with who I was as an adult and independent thinker. So for the last 16 years I have been seeking and finding and seeking some more for an understanding of life and the Universe.
Life has a funny way of teaching you things, sometimes the lessons are small and subtle and sometimes you are thrown into the fire of living. I guess it depends on what you need and how much of it you need to really “get the point”.
So through many lessons and learning to listen to my own instinct, I found practical answers to many life questions. (I realize a seeker is always a seeker, because we may never know the vastness of Universal Power.)
As a mother I have had to figure out how I would handle spirituality and raising my children with a spiritual foundation. My husband and I decided it would be best to stay away from organized religion with a strict set of beliefs, so ultimately we stayed away from church, and tried to live by example. We taught the Golden Rule and basic character building concepts. We also taught humility in understanding something as vast as our world and the possibility of God may never be fully understood. We focused on thinking and feeling from that part of us that knows. The truth didn’t belong in a book, or a person, or a church…it comes from your heart and your mind. I didn’t want my children to feel the incredible heaviness of guilt and shame for being human. I wanted them to believe in a friendly universe that is ultimately caring and generous.
I’ve always felt that spirituality is a private choice and each person should make it for themselves. Living in the South, the privacy concept was doomed to fail.
So here came another lesson…my 5 year old daughter was invited to Vacation Bible School. I was a bit apprehensive, but agreed believing it is good to experience diverse religions and I figured she’d have lots of fun making great crafts and maybe even get some character building thrown in. I have to say, she had a great time. That night she bowed her head and said, “God I love you and I hope you have a great day and I hope Jesus has a good day…but Jesus why did you kill yourself??” I was a bit surprised to hear about crucifixion education on the first day of bible school, but nevertheless, I tried explaining that there are many beliefs in the world and that, as she learned more about herself and the world, she would decide what she believes. Though the teachers believed what they taught, it might or might not be her truth. She was not obligated to pick up my beliefs or anyone’s. Only she could find her own truth.
Then I was taught that same week that my own truth deserved to be respected as well. I was raised to be a great respecter of others and I learned this so deeply that I neglected and denied my own beliefs. I don’t mean that I needed a negative confrontation or that I was so full of self that I needed to express all my views. I’m talking about what we’ve all done at some point…. we lay low, we omit ourselves. We don’t say a word when another is saying something we are at odds with internally, heck, we may even say we agree with them. I never wanted anyone to think ill of me, I never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings, so I clammed up. But I began to notice that when you do not feel free to express yourself in the way that is natural for you, you become someone else. Your inner child is hushed and is hurt. You begin to feel shame and doubt yourself. You disempower your views.
My neighbor didn't know what was spiritually taught at my house. By not sharing my truth, I have taken our relationship and made it inauthentic. My children came home from the neighbor’s with bibles and fundamental Christianity was being discussed on play dates. I was glad that someone thought of my children with great care, but now it was time to speak my truth. With all the courage this non-confronter could muster, I very gently let my neighbor know we had a rich spiritual life at home, and I thanked her for her kindness, we accepted her gift with the intention it was given. I also told her we had consciously made a choice to nourish ourselves spiritually in our own way. Now my neighbor may not have been affected at all by our little talk, but my spirit was drunk with joy. Finally I had a voice for myself. I no longer denied myself to comfort others. This whole issue is one of my own perspective of feeling divided and separate from others, but I found that giving myself a voice was an act of love. This love served as a unifier, not a divider as I had previously thought. I no longer look for the differences, but rather see the similarities. It was within my own power all along. If something is bothering you, looking beyond yourself is a misdirected search. When we turn within, the answers are all there waiting to be found.
There is no shame and guilt in being who you are. No apology needed. Live Large.